Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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