If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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