What a fucking waste of an outfit
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
