i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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