My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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