he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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