We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
