we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
