It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
