Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
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