he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
