this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
