She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize