my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
