had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
