I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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