Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
