I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
