At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
