Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize