is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
