i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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