They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
