my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Every concussion has its silver lining
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
