Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
