saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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