Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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