after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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