Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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