The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
