new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
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