Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
