I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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