I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I just sucked dick on a ferry
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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