I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I'm jealous of your bromance
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
