things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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