I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
