he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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