Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
