Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
