i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
