Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
