you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
