She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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