I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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