I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
