i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Randomize
