Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
