at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
