I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
