i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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