I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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