I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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