I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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