I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
