After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
