so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
