she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
we're so committed to being not committed
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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