dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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