During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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