I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
Fine. I'll sleep in my office
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize