Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Randomize